domino's new and improved?

soooo... i hope i'm not the only one out there who has been compelled (read "duped") into trying domino's "new and improved" pizza, as domino's has had quite the convincing campaign. they have their advertisements where individuals in a supposed focus group just verbally trash their pizza, element by element. one such focus group member going so far as to say, "domino's should just start over..." then, domino's endeavors to rise from the pit of mediocrity and make improvements in their pizza. they supposedly follow through with this plan, then track down all these focus group members and persuade them to try the "new and improved" domino's pizza. the sauce is "better," the crust is more garlicky. the toppings are tastier. and all the focus group members come to the realization (while being in a commercial, so i should've known better) that domino's pizza is not so bad after all. one guy quotes, "i'm eating my words." I'M eating my [expletive deleted] words?!? i wish i could eat my words right now to attenuate the awful taste of domino's pizza that lingers on half an hour after having finished my last domino's slice ever.

let me tell you a little about my experience with this so-called "new and improved" pizza. it was damn near horrific. it was as if the guys at domino's took canisters of garlic salt and garlic and intermittently just shook out the contents onto the pizza. don't get me wrong. i love garlic, and a nice warm, soft crust brushed with a buttery garlic sauce is delectable, but this domino's crust was something else entirely. apparently, it used to taste like cardboard. it now tastes like cardboard saturated with garlic salt. to add to the whole debacle of a pie, the toppings were also pretty bad. i don't know if it was the cheese or the individual toppings themselves, but i don't know how i could feel like i was biting into salt-lick every time i took a bite of pizza. i'm certain my blood pressure is now in stroke range from all that salt. there's no reason why canned pineapples should taste like they were plucked right out of the atlantic or why canned olives should taste like they were grown straight out of the dead sea. the last item of discussion: the sauce. i recall one of the focus groupers claiming that domino's sauce tasted like ketchup. i would've disputed that with anyone, as i used to be a regular consumer of domino's pizza, but after today, i can make the proclamation myself. the sauce tasted more like ketchup than that last bottle of heinz i bought at harris teeter.

anyone who knows what type of relationship that pizza and i have can imagine how heartbroken i was to have such a horrible pizza experience. and what better way to gather one's shredded remnants of emotional self and stampede through the shroud of heartbreak hell than to imbue one's soul with the liquid bliss that comes in a 75 dL bottle...